Gakuen Alice Fanfic
by Corvus corone
Summary: You have to read to find out! Er, that's not a very good summary. Take two: A pretty new girl called Princessessa Melonbeauty has arrived in Gakuen Alice - will she and Natsume find true love? Or will she lose out to Mikan? CRACKPARODY FIC.


_Disclaimer: I do not own Gakuen Alice, although it is my unfortunate fate that I own this fanfic._

_**GENERAL NOTE**: Do visit "How To Write A Gakuen Alice Fanfic", easily accessed from my profile, for most information about this fanfic. _

_**NOTE TWO:** For those who have read the my aforementioned fic, this has been slightly edited to make the story as a whole make more sense and be easier to understand, and to make the ungrammatical bit in the middle less mentally traumatising (sorry to anyone who liked that stuff). :) You can compare this cleaned-up version to the leaflet one if you want. :)  
_

_**NOTE THREE:** Do read thoroughly to make the most of this fic - you may not understand the references to Trhnjwctw or Cyprus (to take two examples) at the end if you don't. :P_

XXX

hEy GuYZZ iTs LyK My NeW FiIc yHeHah COol RItE hopE U ENjOy"!!11 AnywYZ I'M LyK cALED... NO W8 I woNt tElL u My Nmame noOW so Cuz Ull lYk HaV To REad d FIC first!! its aT Da BOTTOM LYK kwl doodZ. diS iS lYYK mY FiRSt FaNFIc SO plZ rEaD. AnD alSO lYK REVIEW ND StufF cUZ if U doNt I wonT rItE mOrE! i DonT lYk flaMEs hahahAHAha so DonT gIve Them 2 Me!!111!!

i C all DeEs ppl ryTing disclAmR on TheRe Fic wUts A disClImor?!1!

XXX

Today was a very special day. A new girl was joining Elementary Class B! In fact, Natsume could see her already, walking down the path with Naru. She seemed like a calm, composed person, with her head held high and already he could see she was going to be a more interesting person than he had previously thought.

"Good morning. My name is Princessessa Melonbeauty Lollipoppia Xanthia Xana XA Fluffypops Caramelinaqqqqqii Mercurousvenusmarissaissaissa Silverspirit Flamedragoniaettamiacette, Esq., heir to the Kingdom of Unicorniusiopia. I am sure you have heard of my father, the KingNoEmperor Juliusiaugustus Ssoo';ppo8f, and our famed unicorn and phoenix cross-breeds."

The class gaped in wonder and astonishment.

"Actually, I grew out wild in the woods because my mother died when I was two and my evil stepmother disowned me. There I met a pack of magical wolves who raised me. So now, I can communicate with wolves as well as all the other forest creatures. When I was nine, I went out to steal some food from the market for my foster mother and her sick cubs, but I was caught and sent to the workhouse. I made a best friend called Sayonaraessa Californicationette Payona Chugokujinahokutonin, but she died of the magical Rose Plague before she could escape. I managed to escape inside a fake coffin and lived in the desert, hunting secret flowers for food. I almost died once when a scorpion bit me, but then a snake found me and I was able to ask him to heal me. After I came back to the forest to find my wolf friends, Persona caught me in the act of using one of my Alices, and so I was sent here. So you see, I've been through a lot in my life."

The first thing that the class noticed was her hair which extended past her waist and was feathered delicately in a style that Permy would have killed to have. It was a natural deep blue colour, reminiscent of the exact shades of the rainbow reflecting off a perfectly cut sapphire, and yet there were sea-green subtle highlights deep within the silky falls of hair. Yet she was wearing no makeup and used no hair dye or other styling materials. The soft curls in exactly the right places and the flawless highlighting were completely natural.

"I'm half Japanese, a third Malay, a fifth Argentinean, five-twenty-seventh-over-sixty-two Icelandic and two-sevenths Ukrainian," she said in a such a wondrous voice, tinged with an exotic faraway accent, that it had the ability to charm any creature to her bidding. "That's where I got my eyes from."

And indeed her orbs were magnificent. They were of such an intense hue, a violet that sparkled and gleamed so that the light of the sun was reflected in tenfold glory, that Natsume could not look directly at them. The glitter of those faultless indigo irises foretold futures of happiness and joy to everyone who saw them. When she tilted her perfect head, the tresses of her exquisite tinted hair shone in the sunlight and her orbs changed colour from lilac to mauve to lavender to violet to plum to wine to the hue of a delicate amethyst.

The fire-caster could not keep his own blood-red orbs off the new girl. She was simply too astounding. Permy kept trying to get his attention but he just ignored her. She was really ugly compared to Princessessa Melonbeauty Lollipoppia Xanthia Xana XA Fluffypops Caramelinaqqqqqii Mercurousvenusmarissaissaissa Silverspirit Flamedragoniaettamiacette, Esq.. She was soooo pretty that he thought to himself, "Can I be falling in love with her?" He hadn't believed in love at first sight before now.

Mikan thought to herself, "Wow Princessessa Melonbeauty Lollipoppia Xanthia Xana XA Fluffypops Caramelinaqqqqqii Mercurousvenusmarissaissaissa Silverspirit Flamedragoniaettamiacette, Esq. is sooo pretty! I hope I can be her best friend. Then we can be cute together!"

"What's your Alice?" asked Sumire, bossily.

Fluttering her long, thick blue-violet eyelashes in a way that showed it came as an instinctive talent and not because she was a pretentious show-off, the Princessessa said in a delightful tone, "I have the Alice of Fire, Ice, Shadow Manipulation, Nullification and Healing. I also have the Alice of Alices, which means I can use any Alice I want!" She gave a enchanting tinkling laugh.

The Princessessa Melonbeauty Lollipoppia etc insert-rest-of-name-here Esq. was indeed a very special girl. There was no one word good enough to describe her. Instead, we must be content with "virtuousgoodrighteoushonourablemoraluprighthonestbeautifulgorgeousstunningstrikingattractivelovelycharmingexquisitefinesuperdelicatewonderfulbreathtakingamazing", and even that was not enough to encompass her virtues. You see, the thesaurus fell into pieces before it could finish the word it was looking for - that which you see above is merely the first one-twelfth of the Word Of Her Description.

But we digress. She was a strong, self-willed girl who knew exactly how to get what she wanted, yet was humble and gentle enough as befits a great Queen-essa to be. Her temperament was mild, yet her righteous anger was felt by all the wrongdoers of her kingdom. And Alice Academy too. Melonbeauty, as she was known to her many, many friends, was a bubbly cheerful girl. Yet her boundless and bouncy happiness and joy did not annoy anyone at all. I mean, really, how could such an amazing person even _think_ of being annoying?

Anyway. Let us continue. Not only was she happy and cheerful, Melonbeauty, on account of the great trauma and tragedy of her past, had great wisdom beyond her years. She had been through a lot in her short life and thus had the mental age and maturity of a ruinous oak tree. In this way she was able to see through the lies and deceits of humans and of the Academy.

The effeminate-looking blonde teacher next to her clapped his hands and twirled around. He (and we use this word with its gender connotations in the broadest possible sense) was wearing a pink frilly shirt and a pair of pinker frillier trousers, the frills of which twirled around with his pirouettes. "Welcome, welcome to Elementary Class B!" he said. Effeminately.

The class sweatdropped. "What a freak," thought Natsume and Melonbeauty simultaneously (great minds do indeed think alike).

XXX

"Hey new girl, what's your Alice?" said Sumire bossily.

You see, her dumbness was such that she had completely forgotten she had already asked this question on the previous page of the leaflet.

"I have the Alice of … hey, wait, you already said that five minutes ago! You're so STOOPID!" replied Melonbeauty without a trace of anger.

Permy was surprised. Never had anyone _dared_ to call her STOOPID!! "Who're you calling STOOPID, new girl?!" She changed into her cat-dog form (never mind the fact that she hates using her Alice in public, this is Fanficland!) and readied herself for attack.

"Huh," was Melonbeauty's derisive snort (uttered without even a hint of malice). First she burnt Permy's permy curls off with a small flame. Natsume thought to himself, "Wow! She can use fire! We're made for each other!"

Then Melonbeauty froze Permy's cat ears.

"OOOWWW!" screamed Permy.

Melonbeauty had no sympathy for people like her. "You deserve it. I'm not being nasty, I'm just paying you back for what you did to Mikan. Don't look surprised – have you forgotten that I have the Alice Alice? I simply copied Koko's Alice and used it on you." Next, she used every single Alice in the world to do something bad to Permy. Haha. Ha. She's so STOOPID.

XXX**  
**

Youichi toddled into the Class B classroom and said, "Hey bitch you wanna go downtown tonight? 'Cos you're so much cooler than this Mikan kid here."

Hotaru replied, "Yeah sure of course! That's like so OMG! Heheheheheeeee!"

Mikan said, "Oh whatever dudes. Yo, I'm going out with LucaRuka anyway tonight, losers."

LucaRuka was slightly confused and said, "Ew, what's this disgusting rabbit doing on my lap? Haha I wish it was Mikan."

Natsume thought, "Wow Melonbeauty is so HOT! I will never be nasty and angsty again if she goes out with me. Even though I'm only ten years old and thus a bit young for love and romance and sex."

Persona turned out not to be evil. In fact he was actually a good guy pretending to be a bad guy to keep up his cool image. He repented of all his image-enhancing evil deeds and become known as The Really Hot Night Janitor Who Cleans The Windows, or Trhnjwctw for short.

Oh yeah, by the way Anna and Nonoko are going out, as are Misaki Harada and Youichi Hijiri. Also, Serina-sensei proposed to Yuu Tobita and he accepted, and they're going to be married in June next year. Apparently Tsubasa, at long last, asked out Tono, but he said he was busy, so no. There's a rumour that Narumi-sensei and Misaki-sensei are sleeping together, but that's not really that unexpected.

Of course, as sneakily implied in the conversation above, Luca and Mikan are now a couple. This is because Luca accidentally drank one of AnnaandNonoko's "Herbal Booster Drinks" and fell even more in love with her than he already was. Unable to control himself, he asked her out. She accepted because she had also accidentally drunk one of AnnaandNonoko's potions. Natsume didn't really care … because he had also drunk one of their potions. Besides, he's in deep, deep love with the Princessessa Melonbeauty now.

XXX

Tsubasa, Misaki, You-chan, Otonashi, Megane, Yuri, Kaname, Tono, Nobara, Hayate, Rui, Subaru, Shuichi, Leo/Reo/Rio and Yuka Azumi as well as all the teachers all went away on holiday to Cyprus and didn't come back until the end of this story.

XXX

Yeah, anyways Melonbeauty said to Natsume, "Do you fancy me?"

And Natsume said, "Yeah, baby, of course I do," but then Kokoroyome overheard. That was really bad because he had a crush on Melonbeauty too ... and so he said, "Hey, you cant do that! I am the only one who can be in love with that girl!"

But then Melonbeauty said, "Hey, don't be silly, I'm in love with Natsume!"

And so Koko was very depressed. But because she was so perfect, and had every Alice there was, she could split herself into two people.

So she did. Then Koko was really really happy; now he AND Natsume could be in love with Melonbeauty!

Actually, the REAL Melonbeauty was Natsume's one. Koko's girlfriend was a fake. HAHAHA.

XXX

"Hey! How come that Melonbeauty is going out with Natsume AND Kokoroyome and I'm not going out with either?" asked Sumire in an angry tone. She had just got out of hospital.

"I dunno," said someone.

"Who cares?" said someone else.

Hotaru was also sitting there but she didn't say anything.

Suddenly, Narumi burst in and asked what the matter was.

"Oi, aren't you meant to be in Cyprus?" asked LucaRuka.

"Yeah, I was, but then I got arrested for making out with Misaki-sensei on a public beach. So I'm back," said Narumi, a little sadly.

"Is Misaki-sensei back then?" asked AnnaandNonoko eagerly.

"Yeah, he got arrested too," replied Narumi, who was wearing the stereotypical black and white stripy jumper of an escaped convict, which indeed he was. Cyprus prisons are in need of urgent funding and repair.

"YAY!" said AnnaandNonoko as they ran off to the greenhouse.

"Anyway, Narumi-sensei, I'm upset because that Melonbeauty is going out with Natsume and Koko at the SAME TIME!!1111!!1!11one!!11eleventyone!!11!" shouted Sumire.

"Oh … don't worry, Sumire. I'm sure you'll find someone," said Narumi, trying to comfort the raging girl.

"No I won't!!111!!1 Who would want to go out with someone like stuffs-her-bra-with-Melons-Beauty-my-ass??/1/11?!/1forwardslash1/!?1/!?1/1/1?!oneoneone??111!!" screamed Sumire.

XXX

While Sumire was screeching away, Natsume and Stuffsherbrawithmelonsbeautymyass were having a romantic picnic in the Western Woods.

"Oh, Melonbeauty, I must confess to you; I love you," said Natsume.

"Oh, Natsume, my honey-bun sweetie-pie cherry-lips pinkie-finger fire-caster darling bunnywunny hugglepie tweetiebird, I must confess to you; I lo-EEEEEE!" Melonbeauty squealed as she tumbled into a hidden trap in the ground.

"NOOOO!!" shouted Natsume in panic. How could he lose the only girl he'd ever loved?

DUN DUN DAAAHHH!

While Natsume was screeching away, Mikan and LucaRuka were having a romantic dinner in the nearby Cool Cats Club. It was not long before they, too, confessed their love, or at least tried to. At exactly the same time, they said "Oh, - insertotherperson'snamehere – I must confess to you; I lo-AAARRGH!!" and their loving words were cut off by their terrified scream as they tumbled into a trap underneath their coffee table.

DUN DUN DAAAAAAHHHHH!!

What will happen to Melonbeauty, Mikan and LucaRuka? Will Natsume be able to save them? Read the next instalment of "Gakuen Alice Fanfic" to find out!

Aaaaannndd ... here is the next installment!

XXX

Melonbeauty landed in a dim, dank, shady, damp, moist, wet, black, gloomy, shadowy, dusky, murky, muddy, dirty hole. The walls were slimy, slippery, repulsive and green. The lime-green colour was caused by algae feeding on the waste of animals above who in turn fed on the algae, a subspecies of _Lotsa descriptionus_. The exact shade of green was more of a lemon-green jungle texture with overlaid bottle-green tessellation, much like the hue of Melonbeauty's flawless boogers (her perfection was such that even those were wondrous to behold). If you are wondering how it was possible to see the emerald shades (reminiscent of the Emerald City in "The Wizard Of Oz") of the nauseating sides of the cavity, well, there were also beautiful yet strange and wonderful fireflies that lit up the walls of the sinister fissure in which she bravely and courageously squatted with her perfect knees drawn up to her shapely and faultless abdomen. Her previously Alice-dry-cleaned prom dress was ruined with the stains of dirty, polluted, foul water. The walls of the abyss were about 6.356 metres high and extended above her at an angle of approximately 53 degrees clockwise with a curvature of 16 subtended to a ratio of 4.76:32 and integrated to a factor of x cubed, not forgetting the arbitrary constants A and B, which here are equal to 35.65 and -2. The only sounds to be heard were the croaks of exotic frogs and the buzz and hum of the aforementioned fireflies, and the smell was the odour of rotting decomposing fruit, or more specifically, bananas that have been left in the sun for three weeks.

Melonbeauty ran. She bumped into LucaRuka. Then she bumped into Mikan. They wandered around the maze for a while then found the exit. Along the way they had to answer a few riddles, escape out of some traps and narrowly avoid death several times but I'm feeling lazy and can't be bothered to describe it all.

While they were in the labyrinth LucaRuka had a life revelation and realised that he loved Sumire, not Mikan, but I'm not quite sure how to express those feelings in words so I won't bother.

When LucaRuka, Mikan and the Princesssessa got out into the open air again, they were astounded at what they saw. The sun was just setting, and its pale pink light was the light of wonder and amazement. The children's relief at having gotten out of the maze was the relief of the lioness who finds that its cub has not died when the older lion tried to kill it. It was akin to the relief of the daisy when it sees that the lawnmower has not cut it down. It was similar to the relief of the chair who finds itself still standing after an elephant has sat on it. Perhaps it was comparable to the relief of the computer who has not imploded after someone has been watching porn. Or maybe it was even analogous to the relief of the eardrum when it has heard that the disco has been cancelled.

The beauty of the landscape around them was simply astounding; Melonbeauty would later say that no words could describe even one-twelfth of the splendour of it, and even that would be an overstatement. The first person to have seen Lothlorien in all its glory could not have been more dumbfounded than these children, who were rendered speechless by the magnificence of this sunset.

XXX

Meanwhile, Natsume was running around in circles outside the hole in which Melonbeauty had fallen. Eventually he mustered up enough strength to blast a hole into the hole. However, because they had already escaped, Natsume couldn't see them, and got even more worried. After a few hours of waiting around, he decided it was no good. He'd have to go back to the Academy and ask for the teachers' or the other pupils' help.

"Who could have done such a thing to three such innocent people?" he wondered out loud as he walked into the Elementary Division through the fancy front door. He was close to despair.

When Sumire found him, Natsume was sitting on the stairs with his head in his hands.

"Hey bitchface whatcha doing here? I thought you were with that shithead Melonbeauty," said Sumire.

Natsume got so angry at his beloved being called a very rude word that he punched Sumire in the face, burnt a red welt down her cheek, and kicked her on her nose. Hard. She screamed in protest (unsurprisingly).

"ARGH!! You bastard donkey-cock-sucker ass-licker!" she shrieked.

Natsume got very, very cross at being called some more very rude words. In fact, he got so cross that he slapped her hard across her burnt cheek, to which she responded by using her Alice, turning into her cat-dog form and scratching him deeply on his wrists and face (they were the only parts of his exposed flesh that she could reach). There was so much blood that she slipped over in it and ripped one of her cat ears on the very pointy sharp stair railing.

Natsume was about to point and laugh at her, and then slowly torture her by burning both sets of her ears as well as bamboo shoots under her fingernails and all that jazz, but he was interrupted by some suspicious noises coming from the broom closet behind them. It sounded a lot like Narumi and Misaki-sensei … or perhaps it was Serina and Yuu? (It was very hard to tell, being as they were on the other side of a door and with Narumi's un-manliness.)

Because I am uncomfortable with describing anal sex in a broom closet, I will not attempt to. Have a good day imagining it.

XXX

Melonbeauty and the others had just arrived at the back door of the Elementary Division of the Gakuen Arisu. They were met with AnnaandNonoko who greeted them enthusiastically.

"Konichiwa! Ohayo gozaimasu! Konbanwa! Arigato! Oyasuminasai! O genki desu ka? Watashiwa AnnaandNonoko desu!" they squealed happily.

"Eh?" said Melonbeauty, who as we know was from the land of Unicorniusiopia and therefore did not speak Japanese. Poor girl.

"Huh? You don't know Nihon-nese? That's like so KAWAII!!" they said, or rather, squeaked delightly. "Anata wa eigo o hanashimasu ka?"

"Eh?" said Melonbeauty again. Although she had the Alice of Alices and was therefore able to use the Alice of Languages, her recent traumatising experiences in the Labyrinth of Horrors (oh yes, we still don't know why they got trapped in there or who did it, do we?) had rendered her temporarily speechless and unable to call on her considerable powers.

"Wakarimasu ka?" asked AnnaandNonoko, a little worried.

Melonbeauty burst into tears.

"Uh… Toire wa doku desu ka?" said Mikan.

XXX

At exactly that moment, Natsume burst out into the back courtyard of the Elementary Division, closely followed by Sumire who had been released from the Medical Wards from the second time in a week. They both crashed into Melonbeauty, Mikan, LucaRuka, AnnaandNonoko as well Narumi and Misaki who had both mysteriously appeared from behind a bush. (Probably a secret entrance into the broom closet.)

"Oh! You escaped!" said Natsume to Melonbeauty, Mikan and LucaRuka, very much surprised.

Mikan beamed cheerfully and nodded. LucaRuka nodded behind her and Melonbeauty sniffled and nodded into her handkerchief.

"But … who planned the whole maze trap anyway?" she asked, slightly muffled by the handkerchief.

"AHA!" shouted Sumire suddenly. "'Twas I, the evil mastermind behind that whole totally random unnecessary plot twist!"

Everyone else sweatdropped. "Er … Naze desu ka?" enquired AnnaandNonoko.

"You see, the Evil Swimming Pool Trap of Doom™ contained a capsule of my Evil Love Interest Mixer-Upper™ which you four have all been exposed to," said Sumire.

"No, I wasn't," said Natsume.

Sumire pouted and continued. "Ok, which you THREE were exposed to."

"No, I wasn't," said Melonbeauty. When everyone looked at her strangely, she continued, "I didn't fall into the pool – that was just LucaRuka and Mikan."

"Oh, whatever. Anyway, it causes all effects of any potions you have drank to be nullified, and makes your love interest change to something that would give me a benefit. MWAHAHAHA!" laughed Sumire.

In the end, it turned out that Mikan had fallen out of love with LucaRuka and into love with Natsume due to the effects of the Evil Love Interest Mixer-Upper™. They went out for a date at the Cool Cats Club with a picnic, and after that they realised they were meant for each other. Even their horoscopes said exactly the same thing. She came to realise that she had never truly loved LucaRuka; it was all just a cover-up of her faithful feelings for Natsume. Of course. Definitely. No doubt about it.

LucaRuka, as we have mentioned before, was in love with Sumire. With her cat-dog nature and his animal pheromones, they were a perfect match. They got married many years later on the same day as Mikan and Natsume.

Princessessa Melonbeauty is going out properly with Kokoroyome now. You remember before, she split herself into two and faked going out with him? Well, she managed to subtly convince him that she had always loved him and never Natsume, and because she had the Alice of Alices, Koko never found out the truth. And yet, Melonbeauty will always miss the love of her honey-bun sweetie-pie cherry-lips pinkie-finger fire-caster darling bunnywunny hugglepie tweetiebird Natsume.

AnnaandNonoko learnt English, moved to a liberal state in the USA and got married too, by the way.

Yuka came back from Cyprus and was very relieved that Narumi had found a new love of his life. (She had not heard of the exact circumstances surrounding Narumi and Misaki's arrest in Cyprus, so this was the first she'd heard of the relationship.)

Trhnjwctw married her instead, and together they lived on a farm way out in the Japanese countryside.

Hotaru (almost forgot!) found herself at a loss, for she had been totally replaced by both Sumire and Melonbeauty, who had together fulfilled her roles as 1) Mikan's best friend and 2) LucaRuka's girlfriend. Hotaru faded quietly out of existence and went to Manga Heaven, where she ate crab brains and shrimp all day long.

So everyone lived happily ever after. Yay!

THE END

_A/N: Hehehehe diD U lyK mY fiC?? pLz R&R nO fLaMeS PLZZZz!!_

_lUv, _MeekanNatzumi4eVar1547


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